Couples Therapy

From an early age we are often encouraged to seek out a romantic relationship and get married. We saw it all around us - people pairing up, holding hands, marrying, moving in together, and starting families.

Here is what they did not tell you: "Happily ever after" doesn’t just happen…it takes energy and effort. The human experience is more beautifully complex than one emotion.  In reality, authentic relationships involve trial and error, confusion and discovery, upheaval and transformation. Being in a relationship often brings our deep emotional wounds to the surface. This can be used in the service of healing if those involved are committed to working through and understanding what arises. A relationship is a gateway to our earliest childhood longings and wounds. When we develop intimacy with another, every scar and wound is opened. Nobody told us how to work with the emotional turbulence that emerges when we love another human. 

With your full commitment to honesty and self-reflection, you will develop more compassion and respect for one another and openness for both your individual and shared issues. I will help you learn how to resolve fights in a way that moves the relationship forward, not backward. You will learn how to explore conflicts and problematic relationship patterns without slipping into your typical negative patterns of relating. You will be able to slow down and make healthier relationship choices:  to be vulnerable instead of defensive, to be receptive instead of closed and to turn toward each other instead of away from each other.

Love is a practice and in order for it to succeed, it requires effort, patience, flexibility and courage. 

Mindfulness

Benefits of learning how to communicate mindfully. You and your partner will learn mindfulness-based techniques to:

• Learn the cues and have awareness on when you and your partner are being triggered and how to break that cycle

• Stop arguments quickly so you can enjoy your time together

• Listen without taking things personally or over-reacting

• Bring awareness to the destructive thought patterns that undermine your relationship

• Enhance intimacy and light the fire of passion

Fair Fighting Rules

Conflict does not have to be unsafe, unpredictable and without purpose. When spouses are committed to following a set of rules, conflict can be an opportunity for couples to grow their “compassion muscles.” Handling conflict constructively can even help couples develop greater closeness through achieving mutual understanding, learning to cooperate, taking each other's perspective, and resolving problems together. 

So, what is a good set of rules? The following list outlines some suggested fair-fighting rules intended to help couples handle conflict without harming the relationship.

Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset. Are you truly angry because your partner left the mustard on the counter? Or are you upset because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument. 

Discuss one issue at a time. “You shouldn’t be spending so much money without talking to me” can quickly turn into “You don’t care about our family”. Now you need to resolve two problems instead of one. Plus, when an argument starts to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. We’ve all done a lot wrong, so this can be especially cumbersome.

No degrading language. Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure your partner feels just as bad. This will just lead to more character attacks while the original issue is forgotten.

Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them. “I feel angry.” “I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls.” “I feel scared when you yell.” These are good ways to express how you feel. Starting with “I” is a good technique to help you take responsibility for your feelings (no, you can’t say whatever you want as long as it starts with “I”).

Take turns talking. This can be tough but be careful not to interrupt. If this rule is difficult to follow, try setting a timer allowing 1 minute for each person to speak without interruption. Don’t spend your partner’s minute thinking about what you want to say. Listen!

No stonewalling. Sometimes, the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. This refusal to communicate is called stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved, and your partner will feel more upset. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time-out. Agree to resume the discussion later.

No yelling. Sometimes arguments are “won” by being the loudest, but the problem only gets worse, and things can escalate quickly and feel unsafe for both. For many, yelling can trigger a social threat and illicit a fight, flight, or freeze response so it’s crucial to be trauma-informed and learn to emotionally regulate.

Take Time Outs. In a perfect world we would all follow these rules 100% of the time, but it just doesn’t work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down.

Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding. There isn’t always a perfect answer to an argument. Life is just too messy for that. Do your best to come to a compromise (this will mean some give and take from both sides). If you can’t come to a compromise, merely understanding can help soothe negative feelings.