Co-Regulation and Tantrums in Five-Year-Olds: What the Research Supports

Tantrums at age five are developmentally common and reflect the gap between children’s intense emotional experiences and their still-developing regulatory capacities. During early childhood, the neural systems responsible for impulse control, emotional modulation, and flexible thinking—particularly in the prefrontal cortex—are still maturing. When a child becomes overwhelmed, their stress response system activates, often shifting them into a fight-or-flight state in which reasoning and verbal problem-solving temporarily go offline. In these moments, children require external support to return to regulation. This process is known as co-regulation, and it is strongly grounded in developmental research.

What Is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation refers to the supportive process through which a calm, responsive adult helps a child manage emotional arousal through presence, modeling, and contingent responsiveness. Rather than expecting independent self-control, co-regulation recognizes that young children build regulatory capacity through repeated relational experiences.

Developmental theory and research emphasize that self-regulation emerges from early caregiving relationships. Drawing from attachment theory and developmental psychobiology, researchers have demonstrated that sensitive caregiver responses help organize children’s stress physiology and emotional responses over time (Hofer, 1994; Feldman, 2007). Through repeated experiences of caregiver soothing, children gradually internalize regulatory strategies.

Research in developmental psychology consistently shows that supportive parenting behaviors—such as emotional validation, warmth, and scaffolding—are associated with stronger child emotion regulation skills (Morris et al., 2007). In contrast, dismissive, harsh, ignoring, or inconsistent responses are associated with greater emotional dysregulation.

The Role of Emotion Parent Support

One well-studied framework closely aligned with co-regulation is parental emotion coaching, originally conceptualized by John Gottman and colleagues. Emotion coaching involves acknowledging children’s feelings, validating emotional experiences, and guiding problem-solving once calm.

Empirical research shows that children whose parents use emotion coaching demonstrate better emotional competence, fewer behavior problems, and stronger physiological regulation (Gottman, Katz, & Hooven, 1996; Katz et al., 2012). These findings support the idea that validating a child’s feelings during distress is not permissive; rather, it builds emotional literacy and regulatory capacity.

Co-Regulation as a Biological Process

Co-regulation is not merely behavioral—it is physiological. Studies on parent-child synchrony show that caregiver and child heart rate variability, cortisol levels, and emotional expressions can become coordinated during supportive interactions (Feldman, 2007). This synchrony helps the child’s nervous system return to baseline after stress.

Research on scaffolding further supports this process. When parents provide structured guidance that matches the child’s developmental level—offering help during distress but gradually reducing assistance—children show improved effortful control and inhibitory regulation over time (Bernier, Carlson, & Whipple, 2010). These skills are foundational to reducing tantrum frequency and intensity.

Longitudinal Evidence

Longitudinal studies demonstrate that positive, structured parenting predicts improved

self-regulation into the school years. In one prospective study, early maternal sensitivity and appropriate limit-setting were associated with better executive functioning and emotional control later in childhood (Bernier et al., 2010). Importantly, the relationship between parenting and regulation appears bidirectional: children’s developing self-control also influences parenting behaviors over time (Eisenberg et al., 2005). This reinforces the idea that regulation develops within relationship, not in isolation.

Why “Staying Calm” Matters

During a tantrum, children are operating from subcortical stress systems rather than higher-order reasoning centers. Neurodevelopmental models suggest that calm adult presence provides external regulation until the child’s cognitive systems reengage (Siegel, 2012). When parents lower their voice, slow their breathing, and maintain steady boundaries (“It’s okay to be mad. It’s not okay to hit”), they provide both emotional safety and structure. Over time, repeated experiences of this containment strengthen neural pathways for independent regulation.

These co-regulation interventions provide empirical support for the idea that co-regulation is not simply a popular parenting trend—it is a clinically validated process.

Conclusion

Tantrums in five-year-olds are best understood as moments of dysregulation rather than willful misbehavior. Developmental science consistently shows that children build self-regulation through repeated experiences of co-regulation with calm, responsive caregivers. Emotion validation, physiological soothing, structured boundaries, and post-calm teaching are all components supported by research. Over time, children internalize these experiences, strengthening neural systems responsible for emotional control.

Co-regulation is therefore not permissiveness—it is developmental scaffolding. It is how children learn to regulate themselves.

References

Bernier, A., Carlson, S. M., & Whipple, N. (2010). From external regulation to self-regulation: Early parenting precursors of young children’s executive functioning. Child Development, 81(1), 326–339.

Eisenberg, N., Spinrad, T. L., & Eggum, N. D. (2005). Emotion-related self-regulation and its relation to children’s maladjustment. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 1, 495–525.

Feldman, R. (2007). Parent–infant synchrony and the construction of shared timing. Developmental Psychology, 43(2), 329–342.

Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1996). Parental meta-emotion philosophy and the emotional life of families. Journal of Family Psychology, 10(3), 243–268.

Havighurst, S. S., Wilson, K. R., Harley, A. E., Prior, M. R., & Kehoe, C. (2013). Tuning in to Kids: Improving emotion socialization practices in parents of preschool children. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 54(12), 1342–1350.

Hofer, M. A. (1994). Hidden regulators in attachment, separation, and loss. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 59(2–3), 192–207.

Morris, A. S., Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., Myers, S. S., & Robinson, L. R. (2007). The role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Social Development, 16(2), 361–388.

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.

Thomas, R., & Zimmer-Gembeck, M. J. (2007). Behavioral outcomes of Parent-Child Interaction Therapy and Triple P—Positive Parenting Program. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 35(3), 475–495.

Webster-Stratton, C., & Reid, M. J. (2010). The Incredible Years Program for children from infancy to pre-adolescence. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(2), 123–137.